Bush Victory Secrets
NOW THAT the experts have had a week to reflect on the scale of George Bush's epic win, here are some interesting facts you might have missed.
1 God voted for Bush. God is normally considered an independent, so this is quite a coup. Bush took not only the presidency and both Houses of Congress, but also now has control of two thirds of Heaven, with the power to declare new "sins". It is thought one of these will be "voting Democrat".
2 In the recent referendum on a regional assembly for the North East of England, Durham rejected a new tier of government, but voted for Bush.
3 The Democrats based their early-election-day optimism on the fact that, as soon as the polls opened, six lesbians voted in Delaware. The entire Democratic Party strategy, it now emerges, was based on them securing the votes of more than 40 million lesbians by tea-time. In the end, though, most lesbians voted Republican, as did all transgenderists, albinos, divorced uncles, and
Democrats. There was no surprise that fetishists and sadomasochists went Republican, since they were thought to be right-wing anyway.
4 The exit polls were so badly wrong, they initially suggested there were only seven Republican voters in America. The reason for this now appears to be that, whenever an elector said he had just voted for Bush, the exit pollster didn't count it because he thought the voter was either mad or just kidding. It's thought that up to 50 million votes were missed because of this method.
5 Al-Qaeda voted for Bush. This result has only just been announced, since al-Qaeda voters are more widely scattered and frequently fail to supply a forwarding address. In the end, al-Qaeda cited as its main reason for voting Bush the fact he was strong on "moral issues".
6 Even John Kerry, in the end, voted for Bush, saying he didn't necessarily agree with his policies but at least you knew where you stood with him. Kerry later issued a statement denying this, but followed it up with a denunciation of himself for changing his mind. He said it was just this sort of flip-flopping that made him in the end vote for Bush.
Source: Times, The (United Kingdom), Nov 10, 2004
1 God voted for Bush. God is normally considered an independent, so this is quite a coup. Bush took not only the presidency and both Houses of Congress, but also now has control of two thirds of Heaven, with the power to declare new "sins". It is thought one of these will be "voting Democrat".
2 In the recent referendum on a regional assembly for the North East of England, Durham rejected a new tier of government, but voted for Bush.
3 The Democrats based their early-election-day optimism on the fact that, as soon as the polls opened, six lesbians voted in Delaware. The entire Democratic Party strategy, it now emerges, was based on them securing the votes of more than 40 million lesbians by tea-time. In the end, though, most lesbians voted Republican, as did all transgenderists, albinos, divorced uncles, and
Democrats. There was no surprise that fetishists and sadomasochists went Republican, since they were thought to be right-wing anyway.
4 The exit polls were so badly wrong, they initially suggested there were only seven Republican voters in America. The reason for this now appears to be that, whenever an elector said he had just voted for Bush, the exit pollster didn't count it because he thought the voter was either mad or just kidding. It's thought that up to 50 million votes were missed because of this method.
5 Al-Qaeda voted for Bush. This result has only just been announced, since al-Qaeda voters are more widely scattered and frequently fail to supply a forwarding address. In the end, al-Qaeda cited as its main reason for voting Bush the fact he was strong on "moral issues".
6 Even John Kerry, in the end, voted for Bush, saying he didn't necessarily agree with his policies but at least you knew where you stood with him. Kerry later issued a statement denying this, but followed it up with a denunciation of himself for changing his mind. He said it was just this sort of flip-flopping that made him in the end vote for Bush.
Source: Times, The (United Kingdom), Nov 10, 2004
posted by James at 10:47 PM
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